I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
