I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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