I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
