Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
