i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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