If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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