A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Someone signed my nipple.
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