apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize