Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You are the jesus of drinking
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
