im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
