Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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