Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
