She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
