Can i not drive my cunt home
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
