Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
