If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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