Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
