Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
