dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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