youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
