everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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