No stitches, just platelets and will power
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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