It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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