HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
