i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Someone shattered a urinal.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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