Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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