I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
