Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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