oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
