She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
A+ Viking dick
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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