Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
