Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
