He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
