My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
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I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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