i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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