ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
They took my balls.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
