But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
