oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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