Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
