I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
