turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize