thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
