Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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