The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
