Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
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I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
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Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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