just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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