I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
