im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
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Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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