Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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