i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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