i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
