If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
