the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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